|  i just realised it's december 7 and i've done nothing productive for the whole november. it's crazy, i don't even seem to remember what i did for the past month. i need to get my shit together. i should stick that up somewhere so it'll haunt me everytime
slept at close to 3, woke up around 12, talked to sihao and jonwei till like 2 and they both zonked out, hendrik too, weihong didn't reply me after i came home, alexiaa managed to sleep after me and wake up for training today idek, lovely bones with wq when it comes out, serene's jetlagging, tass's in italy, evee's in korea, amelia's still here and we need to hang out before i seriously kill myself. replied evee's sms only realising she's in korea = shit my phone bill = heck it. browsing through some dance classes, i wna take contemp. up
i really really really got to stop wasting my life away, concentrate for one year, for o's then i can relax
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you really have no idea how much i want to be nothing my absolutely truthful and honest. i want to go up to you and tell you everything i feel about you. how completely digusted i am by your actions. how utterly attention-seeking you appear to me. how very desperate in whatever you do. i'm so disgusted, and as a friend (still) i really want to honestly talk to you about it. because i care, despite being on the verge of not anymore
sometimes i look at you and i see labels that i don't wish to. i see crude words that i'm so tempted to tell you how much you remind me of them, but i hold back. because i know, however honest i should be, it's going to hurt you. i say this so much but i feel like i don't know you anymore (though this line is applicable so alot of people in my life right now). i really had enough, can't deal with your shit anymore. i wish you could see yourself the way i see you. the way we see you.
i really don't know what's worse. that your actions are truthfully disgusting, or that i'm a hypocrite for still being your friend.
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|  AHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHA SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH |
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we all want some sort of narcotic that we can always depend on in our lives. some kind of drug that will allow us to subsist, something to rely on.
something that will prevent us from breaking
from unfamiliarity
from fissure
from who we truly are underneath
who are we anymore?
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